Blaine Anderson's Journal
by AG Devyn
Summary: CP Coulter, Dalton!verse. Characters belong to her or to Glee. Blaine's diary from his first day at Dalton. What is Blaine really thinking? "First day at Dalton... was better than I had expected, but still so different from Stanton. I miss the Fab 5."
1. Chapter 1

**Blaine belongs to the amazing writers of Glee and the other characters belong to the incredible writer of Dalton- Miss CP Coulter. This diary starts Blaine's first day at Dalton. I hope you enjoy this! Please review!**

_The book was an old classic black leather-bound book. There was no indication that the book belonged to Blaine Anderson or that it was his diary, because he didn't want anyone who found it to know it was his. He wrote in a classic cursive script, using an old-fashioned black ink pen._

September 1st

First day at Dalton... was better than I had expected, but still so different from Stanton. I miss the Fab 5. I haven't completely processed that Jude is actually dead and that he's never going to come back. They all say there are five stages of grief, and after four months I'm still in denial. I don't think I'm ever coming out of it. I don't know how these new kids at Dalton will ever be able to understand me without knowing about Jude. I can't tell them of course... I wish I could be with all of them again-Shane, Rebecca and Micah- because even though it would be harder in some ways, even though they would remind me desperately of Jude, it would be easier because they would understand. Here, when I'm quiet and not at all myself, I'm afraid afraid that they judge me. Anyway, I want to start completely fresh here. No one going to find out I'm gay and I'm going to be normal and confident for once. No one can stop me here because I'm away from those bullies and

I'm away from dad.

I still can't believe dad reacted like he did though. I expected him to throw me out. I expected him to yell at me and push me around – that did not come as a surprise- but I can't believe what he did to Micah. Does he have any idea how hard it is to come out – nonetheless to be forced to come out by your boyfriend's homophobic father? Or wait, I forgot – he just doesn't care. I will never forget the look on Micah's face when he left. He was in shock. Now he's at some boarding school in North Carolina where they are all trying to "straighten him out." I feel so guilty about all of it. He'll probably never talk to Shane or me again. And now Shane can't even see Micah anymore, after all that's happened. It's all my fault! I should have thought of something else. I just couldn't watch Shane come out to dad though. That would have been too much. I know Shane. He wouldn't have been able to handle it – as it is, I'm barely handling it – and it would have broken him. Shane feels everything so strongly. He's not as careful as I am.

Trying not to think about the past too much though...I'm in Windsor house at Dalton. There are two other house, from what I've been told, called Hanover and Stuart. Apparently Windsor has a reputation for being a bit crazy, and I have to say that the boys here are a little intimidating. There are two twins named Even and Ethan, although I can't tell them apart, and they give people nick-names from Alice in Wonderland. I'm the white rabbit? I have no idea why. I think they're a little bit crazy.

Charlie greeted me today and welcomed me to Windsor. The real prefect isn't here, so he's called the acting prefect which means the temporary prefect. It's all so formal here. I feel like I'm at Hogwarts. My roommate is David, and he's been very nice to me. He's also extremely neat, which is a great trait in a roommate because I hate when people are messy. He's been friendly, but he usually hangs out with a Hanover named Wes, who seems to spend more time in Windsor with David than in his own house.

There's also this guy in Windsor named Joshua who is really nice and friendly. I was so lost today. I'm the clueless new kid who doesn't know anything, so it's nice to know I have at least one person who will show me around if I get lost.

Also, today I saw the "Warblers" perform. That's the Glee club here. It's weird though because they are respected here...not at all like at Stanton. People who like singing are actually cool here. It's going to take a while to get used to that. I will probably audition for the Warblers eventually but for now I just need to get used to life at Dalton.

There was also this guy Logan, who sings with the Warblers. He is absolutely _gorgeous. _His eyes are bright green and he's blond – I'm always a sucker for blonds...Anyway I might have been reading into things, like I always do, but I get the feeling that he _knows. _It's like he can see right through me; like he knows I'm gay and he knows I like him. I need to be really careful though because no one can find out I'm gay. I was too obvious today, staring at him during the Warblers performance. Well, he was the lead singer though so maybe it wasn't _too _obvious. Better safe than sorry, though. I won't make any mistakes again. I cannot handle any more bullying or teasing, and I can only hold up this "I'm fine, everything is fine" act for so long.

Plus, it's not like I'm looking for a relationship or anything right now. That's the _last _thing I need at a time like this. What I'm feeling for logan is just a crush. I don't even know him. I just think he's cute. I don't even know if he's gay! He could have a girlfriend for all I know! And I am not the kind of gay guy who falls for the straight guy and then cries when it doesn't work out. It's nothing. I'll forget all about him, and ignore him and steer clear. It shouldn't be too hard because he's in Stuart house – Windsor's rival house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to all of my readers! I am not sure how far I a mgoing to go with Blaine's journal but I might continue it for quite a while. The chapters will not all be the same length. If there are any errors in plot congruency with CP Coulter I apologize in advance and please let me know if you see any! **

**Also, if there is interest, I speak French fluently and I could translate this into French. Do I have any French readers? Say bonjour to me in a comment XD**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. As always, characters belong to the incredible writers of Glee and the incredible writer of Dalton – Miss CP Coulter.**

**This takes place a week after the first chapter. Blaine always writes his journal at night before he goes to bed while David is taking a shower and he is alone in the room.**

September 8

Before I thought that Windsor house was crazy, but now I am absolutely sure. Today I met Han for the first time. His room looks like some kind of technology lab because there must be about seven computers in there. He stays in his room all day. He doesn't even go to class! I don't understand how Dalton allows him to do that...

I also met Reed today. I was in art class and completely spaced out when the teacher asked me a question. I had no idea what the answer was, but then I heard this tiny whisper coming from Reed who sat in the chair behind me. Thank god for that! I don't want to draw any more attention to myself than necessary. Reed's a Windsor too, and I guess it's true what they say about Windsors: they are all crazy but they stick up for one another. Although I still don't feel at all comfortable here, it's nice to know that the Windsor boys at least seem to have my back.

I also met Satoru and Drew. Those two think that Windsor house is a science lab, which is fine with me as long as they don't blow anything up during one of their experiments (and from what David has told me, they do cause havoc once in a while)...

Then I met Dwight. The first thing he asked me when I met him was, "are you an evil spirit come from far away?" Dwight is definitely...interesting. Is anyone in Windsor truly normal, though? David told me afterwards that Dwight is very nice once he makes sure that you are not some kind of malignant creature. Apparently, he always carries around his "holy water" sprayer which he believes gets rid of evil things.

I think I've met everyone in Windsor now!

Also, I never expected it to happen this early – if at all- but I am officially out at Dalton. The weirde part of it is that it isn't even a big deal here. We were having lunch in the cafeteria, and all of us Windsors were sitting together just joking around, when the other boys asked me if I liked anyone at Dalton. Of course I said no. I'm trying – and failing miserably (it's pretty pathetic, actually) – not to think about Logan. Then they said, "oh maybe he already has a boyfriend." I froze up immediately. How did they know I was gay? I panicked. I though they were going to push me away. I though they wouldn't let be their friend anymore. Then I would be left with no one. There's no Fab 5 at Dalton to back me up. I would be alone, rejected again.

But they were so kind and accepting! It made me want to smile and hug them all. I knew Dalton was supposed to have a "zero tolerance bullying policy," but I didn't actually think that everyone followed it. I might actually fit in here.

There was one other pleasant surprise today. Actually, if I really think about it, I realize that it is unpleasant. Logan's out. Oh god, that name needs to stop finding its way into my journal. This is all terribly embarrassing. It's also really awkward because Joshua likes Logan. He said he thought he was cute. I didn't admit that I agreed (though of course I did) but I think that he might already know. I try to ignore Logan, but I just can't. I haven't ever fallen for someone like this...and have them respond. Logan keeps talking to me. He makes it seem easy and casual but I can just tell that he wants something to happen between us. As much as I want to, I can't lead him on too much. I am not in any way ready for a relationship. I keep writing that in my journal, because it seems like he wants one.

It's also a shock to have this gorgeous boy who looks like an Abercrombie model, for heavens sake, hitting on me. I wasn't even comfortable coming out – although thank goodness that's taken care of now – and he needs to know that the thought of having a boyfriend has never ever crossed my mind in the past. It would have caused complete chaos at Stanton. I would have had to keep it secret like Shane and Micah did. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't want to hide it.

Of course, this is all guesswork. I still don't really know Logan. What I am even saying, thinking about relationships? There's just something about the way he is around me : intense, as if he singled me out. We haven't even had a real conversation, but he knows my name so that's a good sign. It's scary though. I think Logan scares me a little. I get the impression that he feels things very strongly – even more so than Shane does. I also get the impression that he is very smart and that he doesn't care what anyone thinks. He's completely reckless and careless and he gets what he wants, which may or may not be me...

The Windsor boys seem to know I like him. I may have been flirting with him a _little bit _this morning – failing miserably of course. He should know that I have absolutely no experience with any of this.

I was listening to my "good day" playlist on my iPod and David must have noticed and known why I was in such a good mood, because later he told me to be careful of Logan. I don't know whether my friends in Windsor hate Logan because of his personality or because he is a Stuart.

It goes the other way also. Stuarts hate Windsors. That's why everyone is making such a deal of me and Logan talking. His friends don't seem happy about it. They obviously hate me. They're almost possessive of Logan. One of them is Julian Larson, the perfect famous movie star. When I first saw him, I knew he looked familiar, and then I realized that he plays that guy on Something Damaged. I don't even watch the show and I recognized him. I didn't even know movie stars went to school. Don't they have private tutors? The other one of Logan's friends is the head of all of the sports teams. I know his name is Derek because when I was looking at the Sports brochures, I saw his name next to just about every sport.

Whenever Logan talks to me, the both of them glare at me. It's as if they blame me for taking him away from them. They're over-reacting. It's not like I asked for any of this. I'm not exactly pushing Logan away, but I'm not pulling him closer either.

_He's_ the one who comes up to me. Maybe I need to start pushing him away. Then I could everyone in Windsor and Stuart happy – except for Logan of course. I'm also worried that if I get closer to Logan, Joshua won't want to be my friend. Actually, knowing him, it would be even worse. He would pretend to be happy for me and it would all be terribly awkward. He's just too nice. I can tell he's jealous of me but he tries not to show it.

Time for bed now. I'm exhausted.

**Thanks again for reading. Now, please comment! I honestly don't care if you hated it : just write "I hated it." Or, even better, "I hated it because..." Your comments would mean the world to me and they would also help me to improve my writing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you again to all those reading this! Thank you to those who have put this story on alert/favorite! It makes my day! **

**As always, characters belong to Glee or CP Coulter.**

**Please please please review. As I said before, I will not take it personally if you write that you hate it. I give you permission to write anything you want. I just ask you to be honest.**

**I hope you enjoy this next chapter.**

September 10

This whole "house rivalry" thing is starting to seriously get on my nerves. The only boys in Windsor who talk to Stuarts are the twins because they went to the same middle school as Logan and are friends with him. I was just beginning to warm up to the twins because they are the only ones who are decent to Logan, and then they ruined it by running around Windsor house shouting "the Knave likes the White Rabbit! The Knave likes the White Rabbit!" (apparently Logan is the Knave) It took all of my self restraint to keep myself from strangling the both of them then and there.

I have been having more serious problems, though. Shane keeps calling me, and it's making me worried. Colorado is so far away and I never have my phone on because there is so much going on here and I have _so _much homework – especially from that awful teacher named Murdoch who has made it his life's mission to make my life hell. It just feels wrong to be away from Shane now. Not that we had much of a choice. Dad doesn't want us going to the same school because he's afraid I have a "bad influence" on Shane. If only he knew...

I checked my phone before bed and I've had five new messages all from him. He said that he really needed to talk to me, so I called him. He's not doing well. He told me that if he doesn't talk to me he has awful nightmares about Jude. I told him that it's alright now and that Jude is safe now and no longer in pain. I tell him that worrying about it isn't going to change what happened.

I don't tell him that I'm not doing any better than he is. I have the nightmares too. Sometimes it's tempting to tell him that I feel exactly as he does : like nothing matters anymore now that Jude's gone. I have to be the big brother, though, and deal with it, because who else does Shane have?

Last night I dreamed of the funeral, except things were different in my dream. Jude wasn't the only one being buried. Shane and Micah and Rebecca were going down with him, and I was the only one still alive, forced to watch. Dad stood with me and he laughed at me and mocked me because I was crying. He told me that they got what they deserved, and then he lifted me by the waist and threw me in with them. Mom just stood there and didn't say anything. She didn't even try to stop him. Before I woke up, I could see the dirt filling in above my head as it became harder and harder to breathe, as the world slowly turned pitch black.

I try not to think about my dreams. The one advantage of all my homework is that it keeps me busy and distracted. Apart from that though, all of the work is getting hard to bear. Thank goodness Joshua is in my literature class with me because the teacher Murdoch hates me. Murdoch handed back the pop quizzes today that he made us take the first day of class. Isn't the whole point of a quiz to test what the teacher taught? How can he test us when he hasn't taught us anything yet? It's so unfair! He asked us all these questions about The Scarlet Letter, which I have _never_ even read because last year I took the "literature of theater" at Stanton. I didn't know any of the answers and I chose to leave them blank instead of putting down wrong answers.

He handed back all of the quizzes, and mine was at the bottom of the pile. He stalked up to my desk and slapped my quiz down on my desk. He had this mocking expression on his face, which made me want to slap him. He smiled me sarcastically at me, and snarled, "Well, Mr. Anderson, I see that the new test-taking strategy is to leave the entire page blank. I suppose you thought you'd get an A+ for neatness?" He smirked at me, and the whole class muffled their laughter by putting their hands against their mouths. Joshua leaned over his desk and whispered to me, "He's being a jerk to you because you're a Windsor and he's the head of Stuart. He hates all Windsors." I honestly don't know what I would have done if Joshua hadn't been there. I expected bullying from the students, but not the teachers! I mean, Murdoch is an idiot! Why can't he just give me a break? I want to go up to him and yell in his face, "Don't you know that one of my best friends was killed recently and my dad kicked me out of the house because I'm gay and now it's my first week at a strange, new school, so can you please GIVE ME A F****** BREAK!" I feel guilty thinking just how satisfying that would be. Oh god, it would be wonderful.

On a completely different note, I am thinking about trying out for the Warblers. As Logan is the main singer, though, it would probably be a bad idea. I don't need any drama this early in the year, and for some reason "drama" and "Logan Wright" always seem to be in the same sentence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you again to all my readers! I know I sound like a broken record but I truly mean it. It also fascinates and amazes me to see all of the different places you are from on my "story stats" page (I swear, it shows the countries there and I am not a stalker! like Adam from Dalton, who scares me out of my mind especially since I love Julian). **

**I do not own these characters. They belong to Glee and CP Coulter.**

**As always, I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

September 14

I am officially a Windsor now... "one of the boys." I was initiated last night and apparently, you aren't a true Windsor until after initiation...and I can honestly say that I'll still getting over the shock.

It all started last night, at around one am, when I was fast asleep. I was proud of myself because I got through all my homework and was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I am still having trouble falling asleep, thinking about Jude and Shane and Logan (who by the way does _not _deserve to have this big of an effect on me), but I listened to some calming music (tip for the future: Broken Open by Adam Lambert came on shuffle, and it put me right to sleep) and I finally nodded off at midnight. David usually comes in later because he's always up with Wes in the main lounge on the first floor. They are always up talking late into the night. Sometimes I get lonely at night, though. David has been kind and welcoming from the start, and he is the ideal roommate, but he still doesn't really know me. He's already got a best friend and I for one _completely _understand and respect that. I just feel a little left out sometimes. I know it's completely normal though, considering I am still the new kid here.

It's my fault, really. I've been the "mysterious one". I haven't exactly been open with anyone. The Windsors are taking my reservation as a message that I want space. The problem is that I don't know what I want. At some times, I need to be alone and in my head. At others, I need to be included and part of the group. The other boys have had to force me into telling them about my past. I'm just hoping that they understand why I'm being like this. They told me, after I asked them how they knew I was gay, that they had seen an article about Jude on the internet. They were scared that I would be angry but I was actually touched that they cared about me that much. I was also disappointed in myself. They must have thought that I looked sufficiently down if they were worried enough about me to start browsing the web for information about me. They must have sensed that something was seriously wrong. I'm normally so good about hiding things! I don't want them to worry about me. I just want to be normal and I want to fit in here. I wasn't going to tell them about Jude because I didn't want their pity. I didn't want to relive those days of awkward "Oh I'm so sorry"s. I came here to escape from that.

If I'm completely honest with myself, though, I'm glad that they know. It explains why I've been so scared and so quiet. It also serves as an excuse for anything I do wrong because they obviously think I am fragile right now and are afraid to hurt me. It certainly came in handy last night at initiation. If they hadn't known about Jude, they would have thought I was some crazy ninja.

So, back to the story. I was sound asleep at one am. Then I woke up to the sound of banging and crashing. A big group of people came smashing into my room. It was dark and I couldn't see their faces but I could see outlines of the figures and I could tell that I was outnumbered by fifteen to one. They all jumped on my bed, and I felt a hand closing over my mouth. It was no use because I was too much in shock to scream. I couldn't find my vocal chords. I could barely breathe. This had happened to me before, and at first I thought I was having one of my nightmares. At Stanton, the bullies had pushed my into a dark closet once and stuffed a blindfold into my mouth and kicked me to the ground before locking the closet door. Then it occurred to me that even in my dreams I hadn't been this afraid. I could feel my pulse ringing in my ears and my blood rushing to my head.

Then a crazy, crazy thought came into my head. I was going to die. I would die like Jude did.

Except Jude never fought back. He didn't want to give the bullies the satisfaction.

I was different though. I was not going to let them kill me! They were not going to take me like they took Jude!

As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could make out the form of David's lacrosse stick leaning on the wall by my bed. I wrestled free of the bullies' grasp, flung myself out of bed and grabbed the stick. I swung it with all my might. I swung it to save my life. I swung it to let Jude's death not be in vain. I swung it _so damn hard._

Then the lights came on. The light blinded me completely. I think I went into shock. Next I realized that David was kneeling on the floor, barely conscious, holding his bleeding head. It took me so long to make the connection between David's injury and my blow with the lacrosse stick.

It turns out that it is a tradition for the Windsor boys to come and pretend to kidnap you in order to initiate you into Windsor house. I still couldn't believe it. I was still scared that I was about to die.

Charlie had to spend about half an hour calming me down and telling me that it was alright.

Then, when it finally sunk in, I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I was probably the only one – probably will be the only one ever – to have reacted like that.

Someone had called the nurse after I hit David and we all went to the clinic with him. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for hurting David. I've never given anyone an injury before. I wasn't strong enough to hurt the bullies at Stanton in a serious way. Even when Dad pushed me into the wall, I didn't truly fight back. He had to get ten stitches in his head. How could I have been so _stupid!_ And there I was thinking someone was going to hurt _me._

When David's medication wore off, I apologized to him about a thousand times – as I said, I still feel guilty. He laughed it off and told me to forget about it. He is so kind to me! He's still nice to me even after I practically killed him. He told me that "only a true Windsor could pull off something that crazy." _That _made me feel completely included.

Then we had the initiation party in the clinic, which was actually surprisingly fun, even after all of that chaos. The party took my mind off all of the bad events of the night.

I've been thinking about my aim with that lacrosse stick. I'm considering joining the fencing team. It would be nice to get into some kind of sport, meet some boys from the other houses, make some new friends maybe...

**This is all I am going to write for this story. I'm sorry, I know it isn't a real ending but it is the end. **


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